For some reason, last night I fell asleep in the recliner wondering if I would be me today.
I was pondering on when and if and how my last night as me would go.
Would I wake up one day and be someone else?
How does it work?
Every time I get around other fellow Alzheimer's comrades I wonder. Did they wake up one day and feel different?
I have tried so many times to go venture into an Alzheimer unit and see my future. For some reason I can't get past the front door. It amazes me. I spent 25 years in the Military. Volunteered for every mission I could. Was seldom afraid of anything in those day's other than not getting to see my family again ever. Some of those missions where very long and sometimes I was not allowed to contact them and tell them where I was and that I was OK, and check up on them and even hear their voices.. It was difficult, but part of the commitment to defend my country. I was very good at my job and did whatever it took.
That is why if feels so odd fro me to not be able to open that front door.
I have driven up to that place many times.
Actually only managed to walk up to the door once...
Several years ago when my mother was in a nursing home for a short time I did have the chance to gaze into the Alzheimer wing at the place she was at. They had mentioned that if she progressed much further that she could very well end u p in there. It had a huge thick double door entry way with security and i remember feeling like the man walking in the hall there resembled a movie about a zombie invasion we had recently seen.
It bothered me so much I moved my mother to an extended care facility where she took care of herself and only had a nurse come buy to make sure he took her med's and monitor her blood pressure and vitals and make sure she was eating... My mother died less than a year later from Caner before the Alzheimer disease could kill her.
If I manage to live long enough, I will be the first one to die from this. All my other family members continued to smoke and live " the lifestyle" and died from cancer before they could progress into the later stages, so, I have never seen any of my family make it past stage 2 where I am now.
That might be why I had all the cancer tests ran this past year and why i have such an overwhelming sense of doom??
I w not being able to do things as well as i used to is not very easy for my to accept.
This whole your gonna have to stop riving and eventually stop working think is completely and utterly impossible for my to deal with at this point..
I have simply been taking people with me...
Good for them as they get to learn what I do and how I do it so maybe when I'm gone someone can at least handle part of what I do... And hopefully tries hard to do it with as much TLC as I do.
The thought of not working and not driving... almost sounds like death?
I mean other than blogging and research and gaming and watching TV, what the heck am I going to do all day?
If I thought i was talented enough to actually be a writer that would so rock!
Karen wants me to write my bio.
I noticed two of the members of our support group have had their bios written by Libby in our group.
Karen got me dragon naturally speaking, but I'm not sure I know how to use it lol...
I wish I knew where all the pictures I used to have where. I would love to make an online record of my BELIEVE IT OR NOT story..
The problem being, even with all the pictures, and all the documentation and all the diplomas and certificates and medals and awards, people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them about my past.
I guess hearing I went to two places before I was 12 that where actually made into movies is a starter.
anyone that watched, the bells of saint Mary's and Boys-town back in the day would look at me an Say SERIOUSLY? and id say , well yeah here's a picture of me , here's my diploma from sacred heart church in boys-town, here's my first paperwork from the catholic church, here's this here's that...her is me at Seton hall, and they still glaze over... Never mind telling them I sang in the places I sang , performed in places I performed, met people I met , went to places I went, saw the things I saw, did the things I did ,lived the places i lived etc... never mind that I spoke 16 languages and had a photographic memory...
I could not even tell my wives where I was going, what I was doing, what I was seeing etc....
The fact that we where even there was classified. I remember one time we where at a press conference where an air force representative was denying we where someplace while, behind him, there was a huge video display and me and my unit where in the video in a country he was saying we where not going to standing behind a C-5 that he blatantly denied was ever on the ground in that country LOL...
We where like, psst, look behind you dude LOL. anyway that Was Barbados, and it came out... But there where many many many incidents like this in my 25 years
Anyway, I would be afraid I would put something in there that would get me, or someone else in trouble since it has been a few years since I retired and I'm not sure what is still classified and what is not..
I cant even get all my disability because my medical records and military records are redacted...
I fear I will be dead before that information is declassified enough for me to get compensation for what is wrong with me. I can't even discus it in therapy, as my therapist does not have " the need to know"
I admit I have been amazed at some of the stuff I see on TV. My wife will look over at me sometimes when we are in the movies or watching TV as if to say HEY is that true, and all I can do is just smile and say, well honey, I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations LOL
Or , I'd tell ye but.. well you know... I'd have to kill ya LOL
I would like to start jotting it down I guess...
I know my children are grown for the most part, but , if they ever grow old and actually decide to remember me, they might be curious about why I am the way I am. might actually care about me fr a fleeting instant and want information?
I guess I can start a 12th blog LOL
OK well, someone is insisting on my attention so.. ILL be back!!!!
PS I hope no one is offended by my putting that slow mag and stuff on here, I was just tying to make sure everyone had access to it since we had to wait two weeks to get some here,, And i was so EXCITED to get rid of the nightmares and was also so excited about the results of the coconut oil I had to share!
That slow mag for 8.00 and some change was cheaper than we could find it here near us... Here it starts around $10.00 a bottle. and the last time we went to wall-mart we got 2 of the last three they had and we waited two weeks to get those...
God bless us, everyone!
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