Be sure to check the archives on the right side of the page for older blogs..

Sunday, September 7, 2014

I am ALIVE!!

Hello out there in reality land
It has been a VERY long time since I was in here.
My trip down teh rabit whole has been interesting this last year.
Two strokes and some other illnesses have distracted me as well.
catch up time?
(please excuse my typo's, if i try to fix all of them, i will lose my train of though to many times, and never get this done..)

well, time is still getting away from me. more so I guess.
I get up at 6:30-6:45 in the morning with my wife when she gets up to go to work.
Then i either lay in bed and surf on my phone or my android tablet. or I get up and go to the office in the middle of the house.
latley, the next thing I know the 11:00 ocklock alarm to go have lunch with Karen is going off, and I am trying to figure out where the time went.
Concentration is not a good thing either.
If i take my pills at nite and in th emorning and I eat rite and so forth I am.... OK... But I still srat to "fade out" after about 2 in the afternoon..
the farther it gets past 2, the harder it is for me to concentrate, and the more tired I get.
Getting distracted is easy. Reading complex technical directions is giving me migraines.
Trying to work in the afternoon really wears me out.
Things I have been doing for years seems so difficult now.
I don't dare drive far at night.
I dont dare drive away from the Abilene area alone...
I can not seem to find a realiable assistant that will show up every day at 7am, so I guess it is retirement time..
I can not get the respect I need from anyone that attempts to work for me, so I will not tolerate anything less..
This is my lifes work
I spent 40 years of my life building a reputation and a skill set and advanced experience level not to mention the report I have with all my clients. Some of the guys I used to work with in the field now own their own corperations and service companies , or manage portals that route work to techs and Engineers , so I am known world wide..
. I'll be damned if I am going to let some young person come in here with a half kocked idea set, a little knowlege a little skill and destroy whats left of my 2 commpanies..
I already lost 2 of my companies due to my ex and letting my good nature talk me into hireing people against my better judgment..
I had to close them and open up under another name...
My Clients know It is still me, but some of the end users did not want to associate with some of the techs I had been using, so I had to reorganise..
then, over the past 6 years I have had more setbacks..
so my dream of a legacy looks pretty much shot...

I have good days and bad days with my alz
good day's I almost forget I have it..
bad days, I just want to stay in  bed..
I feel so stupid, and usless..
I can not remember a thing..
I am so embarassed..
I can not concentrate, I can not read, can not write, can not type and some days I cant even speak properly.
people talk to me and it is like Charlie brown...
My poor wife gives me " The look"
lately I am having difficulty swallowing
I have had isssues with odd sudden dizzy spells off and on and occasionaly falling..
The past 6 months i can not walk very far at all without getting completely worn out and having to sit, or lay down. out of beath and exhausted..
I get confused sometimes... It has started to actually scare me..
and lately I have to focus on seperating day dreams from reality
I get to drifting off, and have to come back....

Sleeping is difficult.. I am never actually sure when I am actually asleep... sometimes I wonder if I actually go to sleep, or just close my eyes...
The other day, I was up for over 24 hours... now THAT day I knew I went to sleep, because when the phone rang, I could not move my arms or legs when i woke up...Dreaming while actually asleep can get interesting if Karen runs out of slow mag..
Since I have PTSD, add ALZ and WOW I can have some interesting 3D technicolor exhaustive nightmares... I wake up soaking wet with sweat, freezing and my heart racing and pounding...
I am still able to get out of it farely fast at this point...
But, recovery seems to be taking longer now....
I dread the day I get stuck in one of my daydreams...
I live in fear of falling all theway down the rabbit whole, and not remembering my familly.
I do not want to be a burdaen on anyone.
I do not want to get violent..
I am a large, strong, well trained combat vet.. As a child I was a boxer,  I studied martial arts for over 30 years, was in the military 25. I grew up in the streets of New Jersey, and New York, so I know how to take person down...
I would not want to hurt anyone...
I have become extreemly close to my God these past 4 years, and am at peace with him.
I pray I slip into alz peacfully and do not cause any heart-ships..
I have this feeling Karen will be in there with me....
she appears to be getting a few of the symptoms, and is in denyal..
I love her so much, no words could explain...

I find myself speaking in Russian when I am upset??
no idea why..
I am forgetting a lot of things except music..
but U seem to have forgoten how to read music???
I can tell you what the notes are.. but I can no longer ue the music sheets to play songs????
I find that oddd considering I have been playing music since I was 4??
of course I have not played an instrument using a music sheet since Germany in 1994.

I SERIUOSLY miss a few odd things
dancing, both on stage, and at dance places like oplin.
comedy, I used to love standing up and telling jokes and making people laugh..
The opra
The philharmonic


and a few other things I don't want to start crying about..

I am sorry i have been gone, but hey, I forgot... lol
I'm back
I'll put an alarm on my cell to get in here and type some more
art walk is thursday nite

THE walk to end Alzheimer s is the 20th I will be there with my wonderful wife Karen...
It would be nice to see some mooolah in my walk account before then..
But I dont imagine there will be any, unless I put it in there..
We have been helping so many people over the past 2 years.
Then, over the past 2 weeks, we where in a bind. NO one stepped up.
Praise God some money showed up that a client owed me.
otherwise it could have been bad...
But that's OK, because now we know to stop helping those people, and perhaps focus our efforts elsewhere...

I neeed to go through this blog and make notes
I am suposed to have something written for the walk to presnt?? I guess?
See you all there??