Good morning, Any morning I can wake up is a good morning now.
This week has been a long long one. Each day felt longer than the day before.
MY newest symptom seems to be muscle degradation.
I am out of Tramadol and I assume i am noticing my muscle failure more do to the pain?
All my muscles hurt and i fatigue faster and my hands almost stop working completely.
my right hand is swollen and I can almost feel my muscles deteriorating...
I must admit it is a little frightening...
The sweating kicks in every day now around 3-4 and things become almost impossible for me to do.
Lots of liquids and rest seem to help...
My temper seems to be flaring up easier as the exhaustion creeps in.
I appear to be losing my ability to spell and write..
Driving is becoming difficult. It takes a lot to concentrate on driving and not wander off day dreaming...
My appetite is crazy. One minute I'm ravenous and then next I'm not hungry...
Arranging thoughts in sentances is also becomming more difficult as is typing.
What i think I'm typing versus whats on the screen tend to differ lol
So, i may have to get assistance in writing this blog soon???
Depression is pretty much my mood all the time...
I try to stay busy to distract myself from pity parties..
I tell myself i had such an awesome life, did so much in so little a time that I am being selfish for expecting it to go past 59 years...
I have lived and traveled all over the world. Experienced the best and the worst the world has to offer.
Experienced soo many things that most people never dream of, never mind experience...
I really wanted to do my own biography, but can't seem to get it started?
AS the illegitimate (bastard) son born into a life of chaos in the 50's who grew up poor and an outcast I have had an amazing life.
God gave me so many gifts to share with the world I should be grateful for all the time I have had up to this point..
Somehow i still feel cheated...
I am married to the woman of my dreams ( literally) and have family i always wanted but never get to see most of them...
I wanted to share all of my life with them and now, it looks like I wont be able to...
I can almost feel myself dying every day.
A year ago i was exponentially better than I am today.
It is frightening and depressing an infuriating feeling it all go away and not being able to stop it..
My good days seem far and few between.
Bad days seem to be hogging up the limelite.
I am having weird memory recalls like songs and movies from my past.
Remembering to do mundane things i need to do like bathe has become pretty much impossible.
I am glad i have www.Airset.com my android cell phone and tablet ( when everyone is not playing on it) to remind me ll day of where I'm supposed to go and what I am supposed to do.
I thank GOD for helping me manage somehow to work how ever much I can while I can...;
A 5 day work week has not been an option for a while now.
All you people lost in the 8 hour a day 5 day a week job with overtime and vacation days etc...
Be thankful.. I have not been able to hold down a full time job in several years.
Having a constant daily routine would excite me beyond words...
My constant is get up, and go to bed. Everything else is different every day all year long.
I have not had a vacation since 1997.
I could not even take a honeymoon with my wonderful wife. We had one day.. That was it.
I was so depressed when I only raised 35.00 towards the walk to end AD.
I know almost 500 people and the only one that had enough money is someone my Wife worked with a few years ago that was fortunate enough and kind enough to donate.
None of my friends that i have known up to 50 years now donated a single red cent. Not familly not friends not even people that owe my lots of money and or other things...
The apathy was excruciatingly painful. And I only received one angry apology from any of them for not being able to donate...
Being a true christian can be a challenge now and then.
I try to live by the three rules Jesus gave us.
But sometimes i wonder why i tried so hard all my life to do what is right, and only my mistakes seem to follow me.
Not the countless selfless times i have sacrificed what i wanted or needed so that others could flourish...
Not expecting anything in return, only because it seemed like the right thing to do!
Yes i made the occasional blooper of a mistake, I guess making so many sacrifices and trying to do the right thing 24/7 365 trying to be Christ like means when i screw up I go large LOL...
It just goes to prove what i have always professed, only God is perfect.
NO matter how hard I try to be like him, my humanity and weakness and occasional piss poor judgement prevents me from quite achieving perfection. Nirvana is a concept, not a reality ..
We can only strive to be like him, there is only ONE true God and we can only do our best.
My best has not been good enough for me EVER. All the countless diplomas and awards and medals and citations from people all the way up to presidents still don't make up for the stupid choices I have made...
Men are seldome remembered for the good they do.
Even William Shakespeare noted that in his Julius Caesar. Marcus Antonius ( aka Mark Anthony)
Friends; Romans, country men... I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft entered with their bones....
I played him in a play in my youth and those words stuck with my for life. And now it holds true for me and hits close to home...
I have dedicated my life to knowledge, the pursuit of happiness and attempting do always just do what is right no matter what.
Tried to give all i have, be all i could be, take nothing in return and praise and thank God as often as humanly possible.
Spread faith hope and love every moment of my life.
Share the holy spirit by actions not words. Make everyone i meet smile and whip a little holy spirit on them when their guard is down. Make them smile, laugh , experience any love I can muster up. touch everyone spirit i meet with the lords love.
If the price I have to pay is a slow agonizing lonely death; So be it... Bring it on...
I only pray tat my deeds have brought even a glimpse of the holy spirit into any of those people,. that through lafter and happiness i removed even a miniscule amount of Satan from their lives, so be it..
Am I worthy of heaven? I don't know.
Was I perfect, heck no. But i know I did my best and will continue to as long as God gives me.
I wil not lay down and cry, will not give in to this illness until my mind is no longer mine!
I will NOT lay down ad die... Satan will have to slay me with a broadsword while i rip his heart out in that last breath laughing and smiling to the end...
I love unconditionally. I give without anticipation of return.
I love all of you like i love myself. I love my enemies and forgive all of them their transgressions realizing they know not what they do,. And I love God with my whole heart, mind and soul.
That's what Jesus told me to do, and i strive to do it every waking moment of every single day.
I am thankful for everything God has thrown at me, the good and the bad.
I regret the mistakes I made probably to much...
I love all of you and always will.
I only pray I am worthy of finishing that journey i started after that car crash when i was 16 and finally get to look upon the Face of God. For that would be the only reward i would need...
Please pray for everyone. Because, you can...
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