Be sure to check the archives on the right side of the page for older blogs..

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Cute sign....

Well hello out there cruel world..
I hope everyone is doing well.
I seem to be getting gradually ( thank God) worse , However, I still feel smarter than most people I come in contact with.
I do , however, feel myself slipping away..The feeling is not easy to describe..
Sometimes i blank out, then come back startled.
I don't know how long i'm out, but, so far i have not come out of it with any evidence that i did something stupid while i was out?
My dreams are pretty odd.. I find myself waking myself up to escape them a lot.
I do tend to sleep a lot now, I do not know why? I'm even taking Narcolepsy medicine.... Perhaps i need to up the dose?

I don't feel confused most of the time, I do seem to be getting " The LOOK" more often now then before. I always wonder what i just did to warrant it??
I got to see my friend and fellow Alz victim last week. I had not seen her in some time and was concerned She had gone too fr down the rabbit whole. It was nice to see she is about the same shape as I am.
She was in the middle of a conversation and could not remember the name of something important to her point. It completely eluded her like it does me now and then.
One thing i have noticed is, I can recall something from 50 years ago like it just happened, but not so much this week, never mind last week..

I thank God for allowing man to invent the cell phone..
It helps me know what day it is, where I am and has unlimited alarms for me to remember things all day long. That and google calendar app that makes all kind of racket to remind  me what i'm supposed to be doing.
I get more depressed now than  I have in a while, but so far no thoughts of self harm... I do sometimes want to harm others, but it is only because i cant iagine why they do some of the things they do....
But, since I can kill a person using only my bare hands, i refrain from any contact with "complete" morons... And suffer through the rest...
I thank God for my Awesome crazy wife. She is smart, beautiful, Funny as can be,  talented, resourceful , tolerant of my illness ( for the most part) Gets all my jokes ( when she can hear me.. shes legally deaf) and, with a few exceptions, like everything I do even TV shows.. ( except chick flicks of course.. I can not take too many sugary sweet, lets pretend the world is perfect , the good guy always wins shows)

We also both game.
On our cell phones, our tablets, and our Xbox's..
We are now a farm/ranch with sheep, chickens ( free range) and Rabbits, I hope to get the two female goats before long so we also have goats milk. We also have a garden. next year I plan to plant a HUGE garden where the cheicken coop is now..

     The pain in my joints is getting excruciating so, I have to use my pain management techniques so i don't go out and break stuff...
My vision and hearing are also fading

This time of year is always very difficult for me for so many reasons.I try to explain them to my spouse, but how do I?
From my youth when I was in orphanage and got girls presents on Christmas, and wondered how my family was to my son and mother dying on Christmas eve. To so many missed Christmases do to my former career..
December is also when I took a fatal dose of medication and died and was brought back..
Don't remember taking t he pills, but i sure remember the treatment....

I pray I can get through this season without everyone realizing how miserable I will be...

The last few years I have not received anything for any important events
Christmas, my birthday, fathers day...
Karen Tries, god bless her and Devlynn.. One of our Grand children( probably my favorite one)  but no one else.
No matter how many and how much I helped other people, no one seems to remember me.... EVER.. so hence more depression..
I don't want anything special, a card, mention the day and  me in the same sentence? A big hug is always nice.. Of course actually remembering me, then actually getting me something no matter how simple that I ACTUALLY WANT would probably give me another stroke from the shock..
However that will never happen so.. Ill just suck it up and move on... and on.. and on...

I pray you all have a better holiday than I probably will.
I do not wish others to suffer..
I pray i don't have a BIG ,heart attack, or, another stroke with all the stress....
If you have a little extra prayer laying around, and you could  mention me???
Ahhh what am I thinking... No one even reads this thing any more...

The walk this year was nice and we raised a lot of money, i believe we actually surpassed all goals.
In march we have another event, stepping out for memories. I will try to post info on here.

OK this has completely worn me out

Frank, AKA Egore, AKA Vlad